I have to stop slicing, too distracted by the sharp sting in my chest to think about anything else. “W-what?! How do you know?”
“Agitation. Intense desire. Nearing a fourth full moon without impregnating his mate.” She glances at my flat belly, and I flush down to my neck. “I'm surprised he hasn't busted in here yet. He has more self-control than I gave him credit for.”
Before I can stop it, my underlying anger simmers into a boil. “Wait. You think I owe him sex?”
“No,” she snaps back. “But I think you want to carry his pups. Especially now that you didn't question that major portion of the issue.”
I swallow hard.
I never thought I’d be talking about my sex life with Lilian. She’s basically my mother-in-law.
Lilian pretends not to notice my scent’s stinking embarrassment, slicing the last beef chunks for me before tossing them into each massive pot on the stovetop. I follow her to the sink to wash my hands, hoping she already said everything she wanted, but she clears her throat.
“Listen, I— I didn’t have my mom around to talk about these things with either.”
My heart sinks, threatening the start of tears.
Lilian tosses the towel she used to dry her hands, not daring to look at me as she whisks by. “So if you don’t want to look at me as you say it, fine. If you just want me to voice it for you, that’s okay too. Goddess knows I’m used to mothering shy, soft hearts. I won’t judge you for it.”
Her track record doesn’t really make me believe that.
But one thing is true: I really miss coming to my mom for support with these things. Mom is missing everything. When Noah and I do decide it’s time to have a baby, she’ll even miss me giving birth. My lip wobbles, aching for her more than ever.
“You can hide things from me. But don’t hide the truth from Noah,” Lilian mutters.
My chest tightens. “I’m not! There’s no rush to bring a living, breathing baby into the world. We want to take it slow. Noah suggested it, even.”
Lilian puts her hand on her hip, stirring the stew with her back to me.
I grip the countertop behind me, stifling my rapid breath.
Lilian chuckles. “That’s what he told you? So you want the baby now, and he says what, exactly?”
My breath quivers as I weigh my response, but Lilian doesn’t rush me. She’s leaving a surprising amount of room for me to speak, her soothing scent softening my shoulders.
“That’s between Noah and I,” I say.
“Alright, alright.”
“We only met four months ago, and I never grew up expecting to be having a baby with someone right away. Noah wants to respect my cultural background.”
She drops the lid onto the fifth pot, turning around to face me. Her stare is surprisingly soft.
“You’re welcome to believe what you want. But Noah is like his father. He’d rather let something eat him alive inside than let the people around him get hurt.”
I chew on my lip. Noah said the exact same to me - well, in less brutal terms.
“Alphas can’t keep track of every birth, death, and major life change in the pack, but they definitely hear about the bad ones, whether they want to or not. With the way he looks at you, he’s never going to force you to carry that risk inside of you. Quite literally.”
My heart pounds as I muster up the courage to squeak out a question I’m dying to ask. “Are you saying Alpha Ritchie did something similar? Not wanting to hurt you by having pups?”
She sighs, picking at her nails to hide her reddening cheeks. “I had to drive him wild to get him to crack. He needed me to.”
I can’t believe she’s telling me this. “And it took you a while?”
She smiles at her shoes, more reminiscent of Noah than ever. “No. I let him mate me in front of everyone the day he welcomed me into the pack.”
My gut burns with jealousy, revealing the truth no matter how much it shocks me. I guess I really did want to participate in the mating ceremony after my welcome. I just wasn’t ready. Noah hasn’t realized I’ve since changed my mind since the first ceremony, but how can he? I’ve never told him.
Lilian peeks up at me, and I don’t bother hiding my regret.
“Between us, she was my doing - Noah’s older sister we lost.” Lilian’s voice comes out as a whisper, tempting me to lean in closer.
But I'm frozen, awestruck by how much she’s opening up.
“Noah was my doing too. I almost didn’t survive his older sister’s loss - physically, I mean. Although, emotionally, it was difficult to survive as well. Very similar to losing a mate, since I developed a soul bond with her immediately.” Lilian’s voice remains even, but her words gut me. “On top of being afraid for my health, Ritchie didn’t want me to have to suffer through another loss. But I had to tell it to him straight. That was the only way he’d feel safe enough to tell me what he wanted—” She bites her lip, staving off tears. “Even if what he wanted could scar me for life.”
If Noah is like his parents, and I’m like my parents, they taught me I needed to stifle my wolf. Hide my truths. Even if it was to protect me, I bet they would regret that too, if they saw me now.
Rules can change.
I imagine it - telling Noah what I want, and when I want it, straight to his face. Watching him open up. Wanting a baby, right now, as badly as me.
Lilian’s expression shifts into concern when my lip quivers over huffing, desperate breaths. She waves me over, quickly wetting a washcloth.
“Come here. Lean over the sink.”
I do as I'm told, letting tears slip as a blazing fire pushes its way to my skin’s surface. She lays the cloth on the back of my neck, cool water dripping into the sink below me, but it doesn’t quell the burn.
All at once, I remember what it felt like to believe I lost Noah on the first day; the furious heat that consumed me is all-too familiar as it whips my insides. I struggle through every breath with sharp gasps, not wanting to go back there. My whole body shakes as the first cramps hit, my desire so strong that I curl over the sink in overwhelm. Noah has always been there to mate the heat out of me, but now it feels stuck. Maybe it’s been worsening this whole time, just like Noah’s rutting.
Lilian rubs my back, softening her voice. “You're okay. This is normal.”
“I-it hurts.”
“Of course it’s going to hurt. You have to stop denying your wolf. They’re our inner guides, carrying us toward what our hearts crave most. And your dreams are the whole reason you’re alive. If you don’t nurture her heart in return, what could be more important?”
“B-but I don’t want Noah to feel pressured. It really is early. What if we decide to have the baby, and we suddenly don't love each other anymore?”
“You feel the truth in your heart, don’t you? Wolves are all heart, no logic. And your heart is what matters here.”
“I want it to be all that matters. But what if it’s wrong? What if I’m jumping to conclusions again, and he’s not the man I think he is?” I slip into panic, struggling to catch my breath between tears. “I don’t want someone to hold my dreams against me again, especially not this one. He can say it's my fault he hurt me again if I ask for it. I don't want to give him a reason to hurt me.”
Lilian lays her head on my shoulder, rubbing my back as I shake the two of us with my tears. I inhale as much as I can of her calming scent - at least enough to allow me to breathe again.
“That was then,” Lilian says. “This is now.”
I close my eyes, letting out a heavy sob at her words.
She holds me in silence before muttering, “How can you know Noah will do the same, unless you ask what he wants?”
“I did ask. This was his answer.”
“You told him very clearly you wanted to have a baby?”
“Yes,” I groan. “Someday. And he said he wants to wait until we feel ready.”
“Did you tell him you were ready to have one now?”
I take the napkin Lilian hands me, quickly hiding my dripping nose. “Well… No…”
When she looks at me knowingly, one eyebrow quirking up, I have to laugh through my tears.
“Okay, you're right. I should tell him the entire truth.”
Lilian breaks into a gentle smile. “Come sit down.”
She sets me up with ice water and a refreshed washcloth at the center island. But before I can fully relax, I'm mindlinked.
Sweet Omega, this is my heads up that I’m already on my way over to help you. No need to dissuade me - I’m never too busy for you.
I groan, and Lilian whips around in surprise.
“Noah’s ditching work for me,” I say.
She chuckles, readying some premade rolls for the oven. “As he should be.”
For the first time, she allows herself to show pride for her son around me. It both melts and breaks my heart.
Please, universe - Moon Goddess - someone. Get Lilian to tell Noah how much she really loves him.
Now that I’ve made my decision to tell Noah, the heat settles enough to be a quiet, tolerable simmer in my gut. I hop off the stool, gathering spices to add to the stew once it boils. Lilian falls into silent dance with me around the kitchen, handing me more food to prepare with her - as if we hadn’t just discussed life-altering decisions that could affect the pack for generations.
When Noah finally bursts through the kitchen doors, I do a double-take.
His teal eyes still edge on green, wild and desperate. Just the sight of him makes me want to soothe his stress.
Then the smell hits.
Alpha musk crowds the room, making my knees weak. My core flexes with desire, heat striking me in the gut.
Oh, God. I want to tell him. Not soon. Not tomorrow. Now.
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